The following entry was written on the 2nd of July 2011. It’s `rambling’ hotpot of my thoughts and feelings at the time.
I decided to post this today, as it is now a year ago since he passed away.
**I miss him.**
Who? Michael. I know he was “just” Liz’s father, to be honest father-in-law, was a much closer description. I know some might not agree with that term based on the fact that we aren’t married. But after having lived with Liz for eight years, longer then I ever was with J. heck we are as good as married. We even squable like an old married couple at times.
And while there was a lot of things we did not agree upon, there were things we ribbed on .. computers seemed the major part between us. I think given time we would have come to really appreciate each other for what we were, what connected us, rather than what set us apart. And I think especially in the later months, the run up to Christmas, that it was started. And sadly we don’t have the time no more. That was ripped away from us.
This morning I had to think back at that moment, having to answer the phone and telling Liz. I’ll never forget that look in her eyes. They say a person can have an haunted look, and that is what I saw. The sheer utter unbelievabilty of the situation, coupled with the fear that it might acutally be true. I don’t think no question of her ever felt more stabbing then when she asked, pleaded, begged me to tell it was a joke.
I miss his jokes, his love for engineering, something that I only too late discover as a passion for creatism, much perhaps as something that drives me when playing with software or code. The things we loved together; dogs, port, a good chunk of stilton, formula 1. He would just have loved The 2011 canadian race. Full of excitement as it was, he always complained that nothing happened.
I think that is where my anger today residues from. The fact that I had to shoulder that responsibility of telling Liz her father has passed. And while I know this anger is not rationale or fair or justified, I think the awareness of this burden this morning just tipped me over. Add that with other things I have been struggling with (more about that later) lately and today, just tipped over the balance.
Earlier today, I just had to walk out. Despite my always hardened standpoint that one should not walk away from a fight, I think I walked away because I didn’t wat the fight to escalate. We don’t need this. Creating the physical distance between Liz and me allowed us both to be calmer I think. I could feel the anger welling up in me, not rational, nor justified. Just a seething anger that only would have had one purpose. To react and hack around in blindness.
I miss him. My father-in-law. A great man, full of life. Not perfect, but a damn good man nonetheless. Someone with pride, honour and a lust for live. And he left a great hole that can’t be filled.
I think in a moment, I will go outside, it’s earliy and cold. I will bring with me a shotglass of laphroaig and sit there and take .. live in. and think of him and drink to his health.
Michael, you were a truly wonderful man
and I am honoured to have known you.
Wherever you are, know that you will never ever be forgotten.
